Bullies Again

Recently I substitute taught at a local school that was celebrating Bully Prevention and kids kept coming to we and telling me about some minor thing another student had done or said. They were obviously proud to be telling me, and sometimes the other kids they were tattling about would even accompany them, wait to be asked if they had apologized, and say "Sorry." Obviously they weren't actually feeling any guilt.

I went along with the school policy since that's what they were paying me to do, but I have serious doubts about the ultimate success of the program.

All adults sometimes get negative comments from other people and we can't just run to a teacher or other authority figure and tell on whoever said them. In this world kids need to learn to cope with things like that.

Of course if someone is seriously harming or endangering others it may be necessary to report them to authorities. That's why we have police and courts.

And it is worthwhile to teach children that mean comments to or about others aren't polite. But I'm afraid in the long run encouraging them to be tattle-tails will do more harm than good.

 A while ago I did a series of posts about bullies and a way to handle them that really works. If you go to the top, left side of this page and enter "Bullies" in the search bar you can see all my previous posts on the topic.

Benjamin Jay was a Bully

At last! Someone has written a book for little kids about bullying that doesn't just tell them to tattle.

Benjamin Jay was a Bully by Emma M. Glover is a great picture book about a bully who moves into a neighborhood and what the other birds do about him. Instead of fleeing in fear they take the advice of Miss Gray Dove to follow the Golden Rule and treat him as they would like to be treated. Benjamin does lots of mean things, but the other birds keep turning the other cheek until he gives up and becomes their friend.

KC Snider's illustrations are beautiful and accurate depictions of the various kinds of birds in the story so the book will help children learn to recognize the species while they enjoy the tale.

Besides offering a way to deal with a problem many kids face, Benjamin Jay was a Bully is a story children will appreciate.

For more information about how the techniques used by the characters in this book can actually work I suggest going to  Bullies2Buddies and downloading resources.

Starting School

The first day of school can be both a positive and negative experience for kids. While it's fun to re-connect with friends they haven't seen over the summer, it's always a little scary to have new teachers and not know exactly what to expect. Starting a new school is the scariest thing of all.

There are lots of books for little kids about the first day of school and I read many of them to my grandson before he entered preschool. His first day went smoothly because he knew what to expect and the teacher was impressed with how well he adjusted. But the second day wasn't so good. He had no idea there would be a second day and even more after that.

When I was a little kid I had to enter new schools several times after the school year had already begun and everyone else had already gotten used to the routine and knew the teachers and each other. That was very scary for me.

But being new is probably harder for older kids because the social hierarchy has already established and they have to deal with bullies. Here's a website that can help a lot with the bullying problem. www.bullies2buddies.com  While the techniques suggested here are different than those suggested in many bully prevention programs and may not always be successful, I've seen them work many times.  I think it would be a big help to kids starting new schools or a new school year to know about them.

Bullies #4

After my last three posts you're probably tired of hearing about bullies, but I have one more important thing to share.

A while back I discovered this website, http://www.bullies2buddies.com and realized the principles suggested there are the things I had experienced. The idea is that bullying is like a game and if the bully gets someone upset he or she wins. There had been many times in my life, especially when I was a kid, when bullies got me upset and won the game, but the few times I'd reacted as this website suggests, the bullies left me alone. I guess those times I'd won.

I strongly suggest anyone dealing with bullies, and that includes verbal ones, check out the information at www.bullies2buddies.com.

Bullies #3

My husband used to work at a retirement and nursing home in the inner city where they had constant problems with graffiti. The maintenance people had to spend huge amounts of time painting over it, but the graffiti would always be back in a day or two.

One day my husband was walking down the street on his lunch break when he saw a some members of a street gang standing on a corner. He walked over to the gangstas, introduced himself, and said, "You know, we try to help the community as much as possible." He mentioned several ways their families might have benefited from what the people where he worked did and continued, "You're making our job a lot harder by painting graffiti on the walls. Would you please stop?"

For the rest of the years he worked at that facility there was never any more graffiti from that gang - or any other.

Bullies #2

In the 1960s I lived in a rough inner city neighborhood. I worked the swing shift so I usually didn't get home until nearly 11:00 p.m. and often had to park a block from my apartment.

One night as I was crossing the street a gang approached.

"Hey, lady, " one of them called out. "Ya wanna f*#* with me?"

I calmly replied, "No thank you," and kept walking.

They seemed stunned and not to know how to react, so they let me alone and I got home safely.

If I had acted scared, angry or upset things probably would have gotten a lot worse. Yes, I could have been in serious trouble anyway, but by not reacting as they expected I didn't encourage their bullying.

Bullying is like a game, and if bullies get someone to react with fear or anger, they've won. That night the bullies lost.

Bullies #1

As a kid I was bullied a lot and the bullies usually succeeded in getting me scared and upset. But here's one incident when I handled the situation well.

One summer day a girl pushed me down on the sidewalk and sat on my chest. Nobody else was around so I had no help.

She raised her fist to punch me in the face, which scared me, but for some reason I reacted differently than usual. Even while terrified, I felt sorry for her. Instead of crying or begging her not to hit me I calmly explained that nobody in school liked her because she was a bully and suggested if she treated people nicely she would have some friends.

"I don't care if they like me as long as I can beat them up," she replied. But she stood up, walked away, and never bothered me again.

Sometimes turning the other cheek really does work.

That girl moved away soon afterwards so I don't know if she ever took my advice or not, but I hope she did.

Teasing

Teasing can be a form of bullying.

As a child I was teased constantly because I was skinny. (Even as an adult I sometimes got rude comments about that, mostly from people who were overweight.)

The other kids in grade school didn't mention my asthmatic wheezing, which could usually be heard all over the classroom, but that's probably why they were uncomfortable around me. I thought of myself as the class victim and it never occurred to me that I, too, was a bully.

No, I never physically hurt anyone or threatened to do so, but I often "defended" myself by making sarcastic comments or said things laden with sarcasm because I thought they were funny. Looking back, I realize I must often have hurt the feelings of other kids.

Although I can scarcely remember the physical threats made against me, most of which never actually happened, I can still remember some of the nasty comments my classmates made. And I'm afraid some of them might remember similar things I said to them.

A while ago I mentioned a website that gives wonderful advice about how to deal with bullies. On rare occasions in my childhood and as an adult I'd used the tactics suggested there and can vouch for the fact that they do work. I strongly recommend http://www.bullies2buddies.com.

As an adult I try hard never to say things that might hurt someone else's feelings because I don't want to be a bully. And if someone says things like that to me, I know how to react.