Memories

What does it mean to be a good parent?

All children are different, all families are different, and all parents are different. Most people who have kids want to do a good job of raising them, but what does that mean? We can't control the future, so how will we know if we succeeded or not?

It helps to think about our own memories. Whether our own parents were good ones or not, we all have memories of our childhoods. What do we want our kids to remember about theirs?

Yes, we want our kids to be responsible adults and a lot of that depends on the things we teach them, but probably their most important memories will be of time we spent with them and ways we showed them our love.

Some of my fondest memories are of playing on the floor with my father after dinner, my parents reading us bedtime stories, and all of us singing together.

What are your fondest memories?

Proud Parenting

It's only natural for parents to be proud of our kids. After all, we love them and they're an important part of our lives.

But some parents carry pride to an extreme, and that's not good.

Once when I was a substitute teacher at a Kindergarten class in a prestigious neighborhood as the kids were lining up to go inside at least ten parents pulled me aside individually. Each one told me his or her child was the smartest one in the class and deserved special attention. None of their kids were any better than the average kids in other schools where I'd taught.

And we've all heard about the soccer moms and dads who drive the coaches crazy by trying to be sure their children are treated like stars.

As the children of parents like that get older, sometimes the pressure is on for them to get into the best colleges, and prepare for careers the parents have chosen without regard for the kids' own interests and talents. Of course all kids need some pushing to do well in school and we all want our children to have happy lives as adults, but sometimes what the parents choose for their sons and daughters is based more on impressing others than the kids' own interests and abilities.

I wish all parents would remember that children are not status symbols.

Memory of Love

How do parents show love to their children?

Some people seem to think spending money on them is the best way to do that, but if earning the money interferes with spending quality time together it may do more harm than good. Having fun together, hugs, words of praise, and listening are all wonderful ways to show affection.

My mother showed her love to us in all those ways, but when I remember things that showed her affection the ones that stand out are sacrifices she made; one in particular.

Mom was never especially fond of animals, but I had a soft heart for all living creatures. One day my best friend and I found a nest with two baby birds in it and we each took one home. My friend's mother made her return the bird to the nest and an hour later we found it had been pecked to death.

When my mother got home from work she wanted me to return my bird to the nest, but relented when, crying, I told her what had happened to the other one.

The baby bird was obviously hungry. I knew birds ate worms, but couldn't bring myself to harm an earthworm, so I gathered some from the yard. My mother, who was extremely squeamish and couldn't bear to touch anything slimy, cut them into pieces and helped me put them into the bird's mouth.

The bird only lived for a few days, but the memory of my mother doing something that difficult for her because she loved me still lives on in my mind.

Grandparent and Parents

What's the main difference between parents and grandparents?

Time.

I don't mean grandparents necessarily have more of that, although they might if they've retired from their jobs and haven't taken on too many other obligations.

While some grandparents have much less time to spend with their grandchildren than the kids' parents have, especially if they live far away, others live with their grandchildren or take care of them while the parents are at work, so they spend as much time with the kids as their parents do. Obviously that's not the biggest difference.

But grandparents have the benefit of a different perspective because they have lived longer. They know from experience that problems like potty training and teenage rebellion, while difficult to deal with, only occupy a small part of a person's life. They also know the good things, like the fun they share with youngsters who think the adults in their lives are wonderful, won't last forever. As a result, while parents do appreciate such things, grandparents appreciate them even more.

When those kids are grown the people who are their parents today will appreciate their memories of those early years and realize they will always be parents, just as today's grandparents never stopped loving their own children who became parents themselves.

This holiday season is a wonderful time to create memories for all generations. But if families can't be together now, I hope they'll find time to spend with each other and create lasting memories at other seasons of the year.