What Is A Family?

Lots of people, including me, were able to spend Thanksgiving with their families. But what, exactly is a family?

I looked up the word in my college dictionary which was published in the early 1950s, and found seven possible definitions.

Gone are the days when typical families consisted of a husband, a wife, and their offspring. Of course grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, and all of those people's own families were considered part of an extended family then, too. That was a bit complicated.

But now so many people divorce, remarry, or have children by various partners, with or without legally marrying, it can be even more difficult to keep all he relationships straight.

My own family is so extended with cousins' cousins and in-laws of in-laws my husband gave up trying to keep the relationships straight and coined the term, step-neighbor-in-law, to refer to all of them.

But I consider all those who participate in family gatherings and holiday celebrations year after year to be my family even if they are step-neighbors-in-law, and I love seeing them at those events. It doesn't matter if we're legally or biologically related or not. I love them and consider them my family.

What does the word, family, mean to you?

It's All Relative

I have a very extended family.

Soon after we got married my husband gave up trying to figure out all the relationships and coined the term, "step-neighbors-in-law" to describe them.

Besides my mother, step-father, brother, uncles, aunts, and cousins, my family included many others, and still does. My cousins' aunt, uncle, and grandmother were always part of the family gatherings and now I consider my cousins' cousin's son and granddaughter part of my family.

One of my second cousins' cousins lives nearby so he's certainly a relative and going to their family gatherings has made them step-neighbors-in-law, too.

We raised three foster kids in addition to our birth daughter and one of them is a father, so I now have foster grandkids as well as the traditional kind.

Although all my ancestors were of European descent and I'm a WASP, my very extended family includes people who are Jewish, African American, Gay, and Latino. Political beliefs vary from extremely liberal to extremely conservative and everything in between.

But none of those differences matter to me when we see each other because they're all part of my family and I love them all.

What kind of family do you have?

Complicated Families

There are lots of complicated relationships in my family such as second cousins, first cousins twice removed, etc. But many young kids today have far more complex ones and there are no generally accepted terms to describe them.

Step-brothers and step-sisters are a clear relationship, but what if the parents get divorced but the kids still keep in touch? Do the kids remain step-siblings?

What if the parents live together but never marry? And what about their other relatives? What should kids call the parents of their mother or father's domestic partner? Grandpartners?

Changes in families are difficult enough for children without the need to figure out terminology for relationships. It's too bad they must deal with things like that at all, but it might make their lives a tiny bit easier if we could come up with appropriate vocabulary.

Any suggestions?

Old Friends

Remember that song, "Make new friends, but keep the old...?"

Families tend to move a lot, especially now when some loose their homes and must move and many parents get transferred or need to find jobs in other areas. Moving can be difficult for children because, even if they've only lived in the same place for a few years, that's a big part of their lives.

We have an advantage in our time. Unlike people in past centuries who wrote letters that might take months to be delivered, we can keep in touch through the internet and cellphones. But little kids can't use electronic devices very well. Even for older children and adults who can, video conversations like those on Skype are not really the same as face-to-face, real world contact.

It's helpful if sometimes families can travel to places where they used to live or invite people they knew in the past to vacation with them. And parents should encourage kids to keep in touch with old friends at least once in a while even after they make new ones. Although they may not appreciate doing that now, someday they'll realize the value of knowing people who share some of their memories.

Old friends really are the golden ones.

Culture Shock

Culture shock means the feelings of disorientation people experience when they find themselves in a different environment then they're used to. The term originally referred to the experience of someone moving to a foreign country. But similar feelings of disorientation may happen when kids start a new school, move to a different place, or have a change in their immediate family such as a sibling going away to college, a grandparent or step-parent moving in, or a new baby being born.

As adults we experience culture shock on a small scale all the time because the world we live in has had more changes in the last twenty years than it used to have in a matter of centuries. Do you remember a time before most people had personal computers? Before people on space stations were heard of? When all telephones were on land lines?

And in our current society changes are coming even faster. Have your favorite big-box stores changed their names and owners? Have other businesses you used closed down? Have you or people close to you had to find new jobs or leave their homes? Have you learned the car you've driven for a long time may be unsafe?

It's normal under those circumstances for people to cling to whatever is still familiar and refer to the way things used to be, perhaps even to an extreme degree. But, as we become used to the new normal, it will be possible for us and our children to release our hold on the past and move on.

Some Things Haven't Changed

I'm writing this on the Fourth of July and thinking of the way this holiday was celebrated when I was a kid. In those days children lit firecrackers in the daytime and roman candles after dark, and even the little ones played with sparklers. Where I live now all those things are illegal because of the serious danger of fires.

But other things about the celebration haven't changed. There are still parades where people hand out flags and play patriotic music, people still wear red, white, and blue, and families still gather to have barbecues and picnics.

And, even though the fireworks are all professional now, people still sit outside in the warm darkness, calling out, "Oooh," and "Wow" as they watch the beautiful colors light up the sky.

I hope our grandchildren and great grandchildren will still be able to enjoy celebrating this summer holiday in traditional ways when they grow up and have kids of their own.