The Other Cord

When babies are born the umbilical cord that connected them to their mothers is cut and tied. But another cord is created. It's the invisible one that connects them to their mothers' hearts and that one will last as long as the mother lives. I call it the heart cord.

When the mother and her child are near each other the cord hangs loose because the mother can easily see what's happening to her child, but when they are separated, the cord is pulled tight and tugs on the mother's heart. Sometimes, especially if the separation is emotional, that tugging can be painful.

Even if a child was given up for adoption or the mother was dysfunctional, that cord is still there, though it may be thin and weak. And adoptive mothers develop a heart cord that's as strong as the birth kind.

As a young adult I sometimes found my mother's tendency to want to be involved in my life and take care of me a bit annoying. But now that I'm the mother of a grown daughter myself I understand why she acted that way. The heart cord can never relax unless the mother is certain everything is going well for her child.

My mother is no longer with us, but the cord that connected us still touches my heart.

Of course that's not the only heart cord. We are tied, heart to heart, with everyone we love and nothing makes us happier than having all the cords woven together into a fabric that covers and protects all of us. We can be grateful for all the other love and friendships in our lives.

But the heart cord that ties mother to child is amazingly strong and on Mothers' Day I hope everyone who reads this is aware of the heart cord between themselves and their mothers..

More On Teaching Reading

I once read about a study (wish I'd kept the reference) where scientists tried to determine what method of reading instruction worked best. They interviewed top-performing students from the most respected universities in America and, to their surprise, discovered the methods of teaching reading made no difference at all. The students had been taught by many different methods and still did well.

However there was one thing they all had in common. When they were little kids their parents had read to them a lot.

The single most important thing parents can do to help their children become good readers is to spend at least 20 minutes every day reading to them, starting when the kids are tiny tots. It helps to point to each word as it's spoken, but that isn't nearly as important as sharing the experience of the stories and books.

Of course there's no rule saying reading time must be exactly twenty minutes long. If there's only time to squeeze in ten minutes on some days, that's better than nothing. And if children keep begging for more and story time goes on for 40 minutes without conflicting with things like bedtime, that's fine, too. But parents should read to their kids every day until the children are able to read by themselves and no longer interested in being read to.

Some kids who read fluently still enjoy hearing their parents read to them and may like reading out loud to their parents.

And reading to kids should start as early as possible. Although they can't understand the words, most infants enjoy being held and hearing their parents' voices read out loud to them for a few minutes every day.

Even kids with learning disabilities may do better than they would have otherwise if they were read to by their parents when they were young.

Of course it also helps develop reading skills if teachers, older siblings, and child-care providers read to young children, but the parent-child bond is strengthened by sharing that special time and that emotional aspect helps motivate kids to learn to read.

Complicated Families

There are lots of complicated relationships in my family such as second cousins, first cousins twice removed, etc. But many young kids today have far more complex ones and there are no generally accepted terms to describe them.

Step-brothers and step-sisters are a clear relationship, but what if the parents get divorced but the kids still keep in touch? Do the kids remain step-siblings?

What if the parents live together but never marry? And what about their other relatives? What should kids call the parents of their mother or father's domestic partner? Grandpartners?

Changes in families are difficult enough for children without the need to figure out terminology for relationships. It's too bad they must deal with things like that at all, but it might make their lives a tiny bit easier if we could come up with appropriate vocabulary.

Any suggestions?

Extended Family

I'm thankful to have lots of relatives and to see many of them at least every year or so. But my husband didn't come from that kind of family and when we first married he was confused about what to call some of those people.

Of course there are words for parents, siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents, etc. It's slightly more awkward to refer to second cousins, great uncles, and in-laws, but that's not really a problem.

However there aren't any simple terms in the English language for relationships like my cousins' cousin's granddaughter, my second cousin's cousin, someone's significant other, or a son-in-law's sister and I consider all those people part of my family even though the way they are related to me may be complicated. If I see them at family gatherings they're family to me.

Eventually my husband came up with a term that applies to all of those and any other convoluted relationships. He called them "step-neighbors-in-law" and now I do, too.

Do you have any step-neighbors-in-law?

Missing Mothers

Mother's Day makes me miss my mother, who died a few years ago.

It also makes me think of all the people, especially kids, who don't get to see their mothers. Some never even knew their birth mothers while others were separated from them by divorce, put into foster care, or sent to live with other relatives.

Even though they may see their mothers at times, lots of other children don't live with them. Others do live with their mothers, but those may be addicts, abusive, or have serious health problems so they can't parent effectively.

It's sad that thousands - perhaps millions - of kids have never experienced a healthy family life and that makes it less likely that they'll be able to provide one for their own kids.

But it can help a lot if kids have other mother figures who are good role models, even if they don't live with them. A stepmother, foster mother, grandmother, aunt, or even a teacher or neighbor can help to love and nurture a child and be an example of what a parent should be like. Even people from healthy families with wonderful mothers of their own can benefit from knowing other people like that.

Did you have any women in your life who were good role models for you? If so, Mother's Day is a good time to express your appreciation.

Relatives

Whew! The holidays are over. That season is my favorite part of the year, but I'm a bit worn out after all the concerts, plays, visitors, parties, and family gatherings.

We have an extended family; make that extremely extended.

Relatives include people like my uncle's sister-in-law and her great granddaughter, my second cousin's cousin, his nieces and nephews, and many others.

Unfortunately there don't seem to be words for all those relationships. As kids we simply called distant relatives our uncles, aunts, and cousins, but as adults we sometimes need to be more specific.

And why doesn't the English language have terminology for our children's in-laws? Someone once suggested I refer to my daughter's mother-in-law as my "me-in-law," but somehow that term doesn't seem to work for me.

I guess I'd better stick to my husband's suggestion. He refers to all of those distant relatives as "step-neighbors-in-law." Maybe you have some of those in your family, too.